Looking at all my depressing posts makes me feel like an idiot. Some days are clearer than others but today it’s crystal clear. I cry over a few good memories when the reality is that I was never happy then. I remember all the times that I cried out to God to remove me from the toxic, loveless place I was in because I wasn’t strong enough to do it myself. And now I have a chance at real happiness, I feel like a fool for living in the past.

I used to pray when God was listening.
I used to make my parents proud.
I was the glue that kept my friends together,
Now they don’t talk and we don’t go out.

I used to know the name of every person I kissed.
Now I made this bed and I can’t fall asleep in it.

Well I’ve changed except my heart still beats too fast and my lungs still collapse and my legs still shake. I once thought love was real when we sat atop that hill and looked at cars below. We used to grow. You kissed me on the forehead and told me that you’d never let go. You told me that you’d love me until the end. Which begs the question, are we now dead? The person I thought I knew must be the person I once trusted until my bones rusted over in the snow we used to grow like the tallest tree in my background I used to know. Well happiness and joy and bliss, how it all disappeared so quick. So here’s to life and here’s to love. I’ve said it before, that I fade with the setting sun.

I sit in the shower, and I cry and I wish that things had never turned bad. I wish we were married and happy and loved by each other. Now I’m just sinking really fast but I don’t want to. Who’s going to stop me, that’s what I’m so afraid of.

Sometimes I feel like I live in a completely different world to other people. A world where a guilty conscious doesn’t exist and everything I do is right. No consequences, no care.